Cheques and balances
by Cabster
Summary: Elena’s been undercover for a month and returns to find that Reno needs to break up with a second date woman and isn’t getting much help from his friends. Only Tseng seems to be aware of the bigger picture at play. Reviews appreciated!


**Cheques and Balances**

Title: Cheques and balances  
Rating: U  
Spoilers: None

Warnings: This is a first draft, will edit a more polished version later. Because of that the Turks will be behaving quite out of cannon character.

Summary: Elena's been undercover for a month and returns to find that Reno needs to break up with a second date woman and isn't getting much help from his friends. Only Tseng seems to be aware of the bigger picture at play.

Disclaimer: The Turks belong to SE not me, I'm just playing.

* * *

"I'm dead." Reno flopped forward dramatically onto the table in front of him, his arm outstretched holding his mobile phone."What's killed him now?" Elena arrived at the table with a round of drinks as Rude pulled his partner back up to a seated position.  
Tseng took Reno's phone off him and read the text message he had received. 

How was Ur day? Been thinkin about U all  
day and it's been drivin me crazy. U know I  
wont hang around 4ever, you still have a  
decision to make. Love you x

Tseng passed the phone to Rude and Elena while Reno took a large gulp of his drink and returned to his slumped position over the table."So what decision do you have to make?" The dark haired Turk cocked his head to one side.  
"Don't wanna talk about it." Came the muffled groan from with the mass of red hair creeping out over the table.   
Tseng looked to Rude, if anyone knew what was going on in Reno's life it was Rude.  
The stoic man merely shrugged in reply then added. "Same old song and dance."  
"It's kinda sweet Reno, what are you going to reply?" Elena handed the phone back to the redhead who was once again pulled up to a seated position by his partner.  
"Sweet? Sweet! That's not sweet! It's controlling and manipulative. It's not even manipulative, it's just aggressive."  
"Reno what in this text is any of those things?" Tseng lifted his drink and cast an eye to Rude who was shaking his head subtly.  
"Short text form so she can fully write 'love you' to show that extra meaning. The 'how was your day?'" The redhead rocked his head a little in an attempt to elicit an answer from his workmates.  
"It's polite?" Elena ventured.  
"Oh that's what you lot would like us to think yeah, but you don't ask someone how their day was after two dates. No, no, no! That's couple talk."  
"Reno have you been reading 'dating for the bastard in you' again?" Rude asked politely as he gave his partner a dry look.  
"I guess I glossed over the chapter that mentioned marriage after two dates." The pale Turk cut his eyes at his partner sarcastically.  
"She's talking about marriage!" Elena blurted out almost spilling her drink as she cupped her mouth in shock.  
"It's on her mind." Reno nodded knowingly, with all the wisdom he could muster. Although after two hours of drinking he was woefully low on intelligent features.  
"It's in your head mate." The skinhead laughed as he pushed Reno playfully.  
"Do you need help finding an engagement ring?" Tseng cooed as if he were talking to a child.  
"How much of a bastard do you have to be before they release their claws?"  
"Reno, you're not that big a catch." The blond laughed into her drink.  
"Then you bloody break up with her." Reno tossed his phone to Elena.  
"You see Reno used to be a rent boy and has difficulty saying no." Rude quickly dipped his head to drink the smooth amber from his glass.  
"It was one bloody job!" Reno exclaimed with exasperation. "And a mission I might add." He narrowed his eyes at Tseng.  
"Oh do tell." Elena rested her chin on her knuckles eagerly.  
"Just flirt a bit Reno, no one will know Reno, get the information Reno, it's undercover Reno, it's top bloody secret Reno." The redhead chimed childishly as he glared at Tseng who was doing his best to hide a widening grin.  
When Tseng drank heavily he betrayed none of the usual signs of inebriation save for an occasional slur and a broad grin that reminded both Reno and Rude of a crocodile with too much information.  
"You filled the role to perfection Reno." Tseng let slip a small snicker as he quickly reached for his drink.  
"And did I mention Reno? It's a bloody wind up Reno." The defensive Turk continued mimicking his boss and logging his complaint for the umpteenth time over the last two weeks.  
"Now now, it wasn't strictly a wind up Reno." Rude patted his partner's back. "I mean you got paid overtime." He couldn't hold his composure any longer and rocked back in his seat laughing which sent Tseng into a fit of giggles.  
Reno folded his arms. "The overtime I made myself by sleeping with the President's business partner that he told me to sleep with!" He pointed an accusing finger at his boss.  
Tseng composed himself. "I heard she signed right up after that, you should be proud of your…." He looked down and began shaking a little with laughter once again. "Talents."   
"I could just as easily set you up with this lady Boss." The unimpressed man took his phone and held his thumb over the call button. "Just keep laughing." He said darkly.  
"You didn't mention prostitution when I signed up Boss." Elena turned to Tseng with a little too much interest; it was her stalk and pounce pose.   
"Thank you! At last, someone's on my side!" Reno clapped unable to see in his relief for a bit of support, that he had just opened the gateway for the full story.  
"You didn't have to sleep with the woman Reno, just give her a tour of the city and dinner." Tseng spread his arms in explanation. "You were the one who decided to respond to her advances."  
"That wasn't exactly how you worded it in the briefing and it certainly wasn't sold to her that I was playing a 'hands off' kinda guy."  
"Oh you enjoyed it, and you got your payback." Rude said as he focused on the table, if he looked at his boss now it would send them both into fits of laughter once again resulting in Reno getting all moody and he'd had enough of his partner's mood swings for this fortnight already.  
"I'm last on the list for all stake-outs for the next year." Reno grinned at Elena's questioning frown.  
"Sexual harassment my arse!" Rude snorted as he lifted his drink. He had found it very unfair how Reno had managed to swing that particular pay off from his complaining, it certainly didn't seem like the kind of thing Shinra would approve and he wondered how his boss was going to live up to the promise. But Tseng had never broken his word with the Turks, it was a strong reason why they respected him and trusted him so much. The leader of the Turks was many things; he often was put into difficult moral positions. But he was always able to keep work and his social life separate; knowing when to join in on the fun and when to put a stop to it all. But this side deal with Reno worried Rude, though mostly because it was no secret that they all hated stake-outs and the thought of a whole year doing the mind numbing waiting and watching with anyone else other than his partner chilled the untouchable man in a way he would never admit to. Tseng would find a way to make the deal stick though, Rude had worked for him for eight years and had never known his boss to go back on a promise.

Reno held his head and looked quite forlorn. "It was the emotional damage after." He said in a feminine voice."No strings attached sex? Please you were buzzing for days!" The skinhead rolled his eyes pushing the thought of a year of solitary stake-outs from his mind.

"Yeah, until someone made me flyers advertising my services and posted them around half of Midgar. My Mum had catastrophic gossip failure!""Well you deserved it after your little stunt, don't play the innocent here Reno, not outside work hours." Tseng waggled his finger.  
"Soldiers look very nice in day glow orange." Reno smirked.  
"That's not the stunt I was talking about."  
"Oh it was a few post it notes Boss!"  
"Shame the President didn't see it that way, or perhaps he just didn't recognise your stake and claim theory to every item in his office?" The dark man paused, "including the walls and furniture."  
"Come on boss, it was pretty funny." Rude giggled the nodded his head up to Elena. "Reno labelled everything in the President's office as his own with post it notes."  
"He knows that stuff is really mine." Reno folded his arms confidently and leaned back in his chair.  
"Only the President didn't recognise Reno's take over of the Shinra company, and still doesn't." Tseng glared at is wayward Turk.  
"I'm not giving the fridge back, I clearly labelled it, it said: 'this is mine'," Reno held his hand up spacing the words as if they were a headline. "No one countered the claim so it's legally mine."  
"You can't hold the President's fridge to ransom forever Reno." Tseng warned in the dangerous lilt his voice sometimes took when he was not delivering an empty threat.  
"I've sent him the salad tray, just so he knows I'm serious." Reno wasn't about to back down now, the prank had gone too far and his pride was now at stake.  
"Reno, get the next round in." Tseng snapped.  
"But I got the one before Elena's!" The pale man snapped up in his seat in protest.  
"Unless you want to be hung for treason against fridges I'd suggest you dip your hand in your wallet."  
"There's a word for this: Corruption!" Reno leaned towards his boss as he accentuated the last word then bounced off towards the bar quite obediently; you just didn't push Tseng that far.  
"You're covering this up too Rude." Tseng warned the smirking Turk to his right.  
"Me!" The usually composed man looked startled. "How did I get dragged into this?"  
"Don't think I don't know who gave him the post it notes. That's aiding and abetting and in Reno's case giving him the idea in the first place."  
"I'm not taking any internal undercover jobs." Rude said quickly as he shifted uncomfortably. The Turks had always covered for each other when it came to their various pranks, Tseng said it kept them sharp. The president wasn't aware of half of the treasonous acts that had been committed in his company over the years and he had the Turks to thank for that piece of mind.  
"I go undercover for a month and look what happens to you lot! How the heck did you function before?"  
"We didn't cover our tracks as much." Rude betrayed a broad grin.  
"Yeah Reno would have actually put his name on the post it notes before instead of just labelling them: this is mine, this too, and that, that's mine too."  
"Twat that he is." Rude added. "At least this way we'll get to see how much actual reading the President does."  
"He didn't…" Tseng looked momentarily horrified.  
"Random pages throughout the entire library." Rude smiled, "I think he even put his name on some of them." He gestured towards Reno who was advancing. "Like I said; twat that he is."  
"I propose a toast to Elena." Tseng staggered to his feet. "The only woman to have successfully renovated the President's office with lawn furniture and not even be suspected raising the bar on Turk training all around."  
"Here here!" Rude rapped the table and rose his glass, then realising it was empty took a full glass that Reno brought over and drank to the toast.  
"And she used to be such a goody two shoes." Reno lifted his own glass and winked at the blond.  
"Still is in the eyes of the President." Tseng added as he stretched back in his chair.  
"You guys have too much time on your hands." The barmaid chastised as she cleared the table full of empty glasses.

"How do you break up with someone nicely over text message?" Reno sighed as he looked at his phone again.  
"When I wanted to break up with my wife I just told her I didn't love her anymore." Rude said rather matter-of-factly.  
All eyes turned to Rude and were quickly followed by gaping mouths.  
"It wasn't strictly the truth, I didn't really love her in the first place." He added.  
"You were married!" Reno stammered. "Damn it I've known you for six years and your telling me this now!"  
"I felt like a wedding." The tall man shrugged.  
"Rude, you don't get married because you feel like a wedding." Tseng slurred as he lifted his glass once again.  
"I feel like I've been cheated on." Reno said quietly still very much in shock.  
"You know you're the only one for me now babe." Rude put his hand on Reno's shoulder.  
The redhead flinched away quickly. "Don't touch me!" He said defensively.  
"I recommend flowers." Tseng grinned at Rude's overly acted hurt look.  
"Oh it's gonna take more than that!" Reno looked up at his friend. "Unless they're roses?" He fluttered his eyes hopefully.  
"Can I have a new partner Boss?"  
"Hey! What's wrong with me?" Reno drunkenly swung his body around to face Rude.  
The skinhead placed a hand on his partner's shoulder and spoke gently, "Reno, I don't know how to tell you this but recently you've been giving off a gay vibe."  
"Yeah? Think that's what I should tell Shinta?" Reno said earnestly as he held up his phone.  
"Recently as in the last thirty seconds, you're still in the 'it's just a phase category'." Elena enlightened the drunken Turk.

Reno typed into his phone rapidly.  
"What did you say?" Tseng leaned over his folded arms on the table.  
"That I'm confused and it's just not the right time for me to get into anything serious,"  
"Diplomatic, but not firm enough." The dark haired man winked and took his drink, held it to his lips inn thought for a moment then added, "why don't you tell her you're married?"  
"Tried that two texts ago, this is what I got back." He held up his phone:

I understand why U would stray,  
Ur a free spirit N need to roam.  
I think U roam because  
Ur unhappy wi her. U haven't  
strayed with me cos my spirit's  
also free N that's something  
worth working on. Love you x

"I told her I was afraid of breaking her heart down the line." Reno held up his phone again:

U've done nothing but make my   
heart sing, let me worry about my  
heart, I'm tougher than you think.  
Love you x

"Just how big is your cock?" Elena whistled in admiration as she leaned back from the huddle reading the held up his little finger.  
"Fuck off!" Reno pushed his partner playfully.  
"Reno has a tendency to be everything a woman wants on the first date, then a complete arsehole on the second." Tseng explained. "They fall for it every time."  
"That and he always goes for the psycho dependency ones." Rude added.  
"I need help here guys!" The redhead exclaimed. The added with a mutter, "it's not my fault, just how I am."  
"Just tell her you're moving to another continent." Tseng rolled his glass in his hands.  
"Just ignore her." Elena offered.  
"Just tell her she's dumped."  
"She works for Shinra, so the first two are out and Rude, never let it be said that romance is lost on you."  
"If you want her to stop…" The broad man lifted a shoulder in a half shrug.  
"And be labelled a bastard in the office? No thanks. Come on guys, we've taken down tougher cats than this." Reno attempted a rallying pep talk approach through his drunken slur. He looked at his phone as it hummed into life. "I can't face it." He said dramatically and gave his phone to Rude.  
"She wants to meet with you and talk face to face, apparently you owe her that." Reno's partner dryly informed him.  
"I'm a dead man." Reno slumped forward resting his head on the table.  
"It wouldn't kill you, you know." Rude passed the phone back to his partner.  
"You know what will happen Rude." Reno groaned.  
"Yeah, you'll lose your nerve, end up taking her to bed, shutting down because you can't stand to be near her anymore and then she'll assume you have some deep rooted psychological condition, hold you all night thereby cementing the relationship further as you cringe all night and send me text messages pretending I'm your sick mother moaning about not being able to read about the rise and fall of the Wutai empire, which by the way is an unhealthy obsession."  
"You can't talk, chocobo breed lines boy." Reno snapped, that was a step too far. He may have lived with his partner thus making both their lives quite public to the Turks but there were just some interests that should have been kept strictly between flatmates.  
Rude leaned towards the redhead. "I'll order the tux for you. I assume you'll be going for simple gold bands and a big reception?"  
"The problem is I take them back to mine. When I used to go back to theirs I'd give a false number and was out of there before the milkman arrived." Reno sat up approaching the problem objectively. "No they end up having breakfast with Rude and I'm stuck with them for the day after that."  
Rude shot his partner a threatening look; he knew he had been pushing the boarders with his partner's reading habits, but if Reno started up about his cooking skills… well it would be the last tikka masala his partner would eat for a very long time.  
Reno acknowledged the look with a smirk of similar warning, although he had just as much to lose by divulging that particular piece of information anymore about his own history interests and he'd forego home cooked meals for as long as it took; after all, he had a reputation to protect.  
"Reno, your problems go further than whose place you shag in." Elena nudged Tseng. "You're round Boss."  
"Hmm? Is he single yet?" Tseng snapped back to the conversation.  
"Not quite." The blond laughed.  
"It was two dates!" Reno almost shouted in his defence. "Since when was two dates equated to love?"  
"Since you do that lost in her arms thing. You bring this on yourself Reno." Rude held out his palm gesturing to his partner. "You give all the signals of a man in love from the off. Every time we go through this I tell you how to be and you still manage to give out all the wrong signals. You're not a cat Reno; you can't just serenade shag and run with human beings."  
"Hey I tried the emotional void thing, they didn't bloody believe me!"  
"You have to throw yourself into the role man. Simply saying you're closed off only invites them to try to change you."  
"Rude just sort it out will you." Tseng stood up. "This is getting beyond boring now."  
"Not until he returns the fridge and signs up for every steak out I'm on." There was a wicked look on the man's face.  
"You mean there's been a solution to this all night?" Elena reeled back in her chair.  
"You think he would have got this far in life without me?" The broad man raised an eyebrow then turned to Reno. "You always give women the wrong impression of you. Admit it, you'd be hung drawn and quartered by now without me."  
"The fridge stays where it is. I can deal with this." Reno picked up his phone with determination.  
"It's the hair and his big blue eyes, covers up the bastard in him and makes them think he's worth changing." Rude explained.  
"Whereas this arsehole has a different woman every night and never has repercussions." The redhead winged his thumb towards his partner.  
"Do you two ever consider that you spend too much time together?" Elena nodded a thanks to Tseng as she lifted her drink from him.  
Reno and Rude faced each other and leaned back a little in unison.  
"Don't know what you mean." Reno shrugged as if the case was closed and took his drink.  
"Ok, perhaps I should rephrase that, I'm spending too much time with you guys."  
"I said that six years ago," Tseng sat down, "once these two get you, you become undesirable to drink with."  
"You were always undesirable Boss, we saved you from Rufus overload." Reno nudged his partner.  
"Sort it now Rude or I'll put you on Rufus watch." Tseng commanded, more sobered after his short walk to the bar and projecting more of his work image now.  
"Fridge." Rude folded his arms looking at Reno.  
"My computer." Reno returned the stance.  
"My computer!"  
"My hair gel?"  
"You had that coming." Rude thought for a moment. "My razor."  
"My bed linen!" Reno squeaked.  
"My door!" Rude sarcastically mimicked his partner's innocence.  
"You weren't using it!"   
"I bloody well was!"  
"Was your hand on the knob?"  
"Unlike you, my hand can stay away from my knob for longer than one night, still doesn't mean I'm not using it." Rude winked at Elena. "My ties." He said almost triumphantly returning to his partner.  
Reno raised his finger and paused. "Ok I can't remember past last week."  
"Fine then, sign up for the stake-outs and leave me out of the fridge."  
"Oh but I hate stake-outs, they're always cold, cramped and boring." Reno wined.  
"Last offer, they're even more boring without you."  
"Aw you love me." Reno threw his arm around Rude's shoulder and handed him his phone. "Deal."  
"Not that much, get off me!" Rude took the phone and began typing the message.  
Reno tried to look at the phone but Rude held up his finger to hold his partner back. "Don't throw me off track here."  
"You realise there's something very wrong with their relationship." Elena looked at Tseng who simply smiled and nodded.  
"Thank you." Reno said with some relief as the phone was handed back to him.

After about ten minutes or so the phone Reno had come to dread buzzed into life. He looked at it with a certain amount of scepticism.

No hard feelings Reno. U're a terrific  
guy and no doubt 1 of these days U'll  
meet someone U won't mind giving up  
the comforts of single life for. C U  
around I guess x

Reno stared at the phone quite dumb struck then at Rude.  
"Thanks for understanding." The skinhead prompted the correct response.  
"How do you do it?" The redhead gaped.  
"If I told you that I'd be stuck on that steak-out next week alone." Rude winked.  
"I love you." Reno threw his arms around his partner.  
"Reno we really have to talk about this gay vibe that alcohol seems to bring out in you." Rude brushed the redhead off him.  
"Karaoke?" Reno composed himself and brushed himself down.  
"I draw the line there." Rude stood up. "My work here is done."  
"No it's not, you have to get him home," Tseng gestured to Reno as he addressed Rude. "We're not commissioned for that kind of work and I'm in no state to drag his arse back to your place."  
"Come on Rude, one more round?" Reno looked up at his partner.  
"I'm not commissioned to deal with you throwing up in the taxi mate, go now or you're on your own." The skinhead informed his partner.  
"Karaoke it is then!" The redhead said brightly as he slapped the table and stood up.  
"You're DVDs went missing two days ago." Rude curled a sly smile.  
"Ah but I got a secret stash in my room."  
"You are so losing your door mate." Rude stood up and waved a goodbye to his workmates.  
"Rude, my door is the only thing keeping you on the straight side of raging homosexual." Reno saluted and followed.  
"You're not my type." The skinhead said as he held the door for his partner.  
"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that." Reno ducked under the arm and stumbled out into the night.

"Remind me why they live together?" Elena looked at Tseng."You kidding? If they didn't they'd be unleashed upon society, and that wouldn't be pretty."  
"This way they're just unleashed on each other?"  
"You get the idea." Tseng winked.  
"How do you do it?"  
"Ah if I told you that I'd have to be the one on stake-outs instead of those two." The dark man smiled. "Excuse me a minute." He opened his phone and listened to the ringing tones. "Hey Shinta, thanks lady. I owe you one, yep worked like a dream. See you tomorrow." He closed his phone and shrugged at Elena's shocked look.  
"You're basically a pimp aren't you?"  
"Maybe, but now I don't have to excuse Reno from steak outs or file any bogus reports confirming that fact. He feels justified for the job he did, Rude will sing karaoke tonight and the president's fridge will be back tomorrow, intact."  
"And their computers being set to wing bats font throughout the system so they can't do any work?"  
"Tech support has already corrected the problem, I set up Shinta with Marlo; she's fancied him for ages and he really needs to get out more. Why do you think she's up so late?"  
"How did…?" Elena ran her hand through her bobbed hair quite surprised at the side she was seeing in her boss.  
"You'd be surprised how a simple date can shunt you to the top of the work list in tech support, those guys don't get out much." Tseng finished his drink and stood up.  
"Remind me never to go up against you Boss."  
"It's a given, and if those two ever figure that out I might actually get some work done instead of having to cover their arses all the time." He held out his hand for Elena. "Come on, I have a limo driver waiting who owes me a favour, I'll drop you at home."  
What else could Elena do but accept and wonder what cheque this would balance for her boss?

The end.


End file.
